Saturday, July 31, 2010

Cooking With My Daughter


My husband's family has a wonderful tradition of celebrating family birthdays together--all the September people at one party, all of the April folks together and so on down the line. Once it was discovered that I did desserts--I found myself often bringing dessert to each event. For this family birthday we had a fiesta themed party which my husband and I hosted. It was the perfect opportunity to practice a cake and make something delicious. One problem, I now had to cook and make cakes with a three year old in tow.

I saw the idea of the cake in my mind, bright vivid colors with the little tissue paper like tuffs found on pinatas. I made the cake--Mexican chocolate cake (a touch of cinnamon elevates the flavor of the cake-- much like coffee) with a chocolate buttercream.

It was time to decorate- make a tile mosaic as a boarder and randomly place the flowers. This seemed simple enough, but my daughter carefully directed the placement of every flower and tile after a lengthy discussion. More flowers, pink purple-- "more mommy." I think if I wouldn't have stopped her it would have looked like a pinata threw up all over the cake. But it came out great. I was beginning to see the joy and light in her eyes that my mother saw in me when I was little cooking with her in the kitchen. More importantly I was laughing--having fun. Kids take away the wave of perfection that is so often sought after in the kitchen...dive in, laugh, have fun.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Letting Go..


My daughter is amazing--before you role your eyes--she has a had wonderful sense of spirit since birth. She was born with severe reflux that required multiple medications to control and to a mom who has post-pardum depression that was spinning out of control. Payton made my job as a mom easy- she didn't fuss or cry--she went with the follow. I could not wrap my head around why I was having such a hard time fully loving this amazing little girl. Why couldn't I open myself up to motherhood. With the help of doctors, medications, I broke through, but it took time and learning to trust in myself and in Payton. Letting go of perfection realizing that all Payton wanted was to be loved, hugged and tickled. That day came as I dropped her off for preschool. Her classroom had windows to the outside. I watched many parents check in on their kids through the glass or watch the tiny faces press against the glass to get a last glimpse of mom or dad. Then one day in May- Payton press her little face against the glass a banged her hand as I walked by-- that final glimpse. I smiled and waved back to her and blew a kiss. And with that she was off. On that day in May I realized my child just needed me-- not perfect outfits, the perfect parenting books--she just needed and wanted me.

What does all of that have do do with a cake. As I grew into motherhood--Payton moved into the kitchen with me. For her next birthday--I asked her what she wanted. She picked out a butterfly princess cake. No problem, one princess mold, check, one princess torso check, molded butterflies, check. The sense of freedom I gained from doing our 30th birthday cake continued to emerge in Payton's cake. I let go of the fact that I thought the traditional princess cakes were tacky-- I gave Payton's princess an updo--oh yes-- I sewed her hair into a classic chignon. I hand painted and sculpted the butterflies. I asked Payton where they should go on the cake. It was a banana cake with a cream cheese frosting. She loved it. The cake was driven by my daughter...

Monday, July 19, 2010

A Sense of Freedom


I was turning 30 or should I say we were turning 30. My husband and I are exactly 2 months apart--to the day. So for 2 months a year he reminds me how much he enjoys being married to a cougar. Thirty was a milestone--my daughter was turning 3, I was still working in corporate America doing well, and of all things just picked up my new ride--a minivan. Yes, never in 10 million years did I think I would be driving a minivan at 30. However, I was going to embrace 30, not dive of the deep end or should a say drive off the deep end in my minivan. Things were good and it was time to celebrate.

My husband and I had a joint 30th birthday party. A Vegas themed affair complete with gaming tables, jello shooter bar (my one hold out to my twenties--little did I know a secret hold out of my fellow thirty year olds), throw back food and of course a three tier cake. You may ask had I ever done a three tier cake--no, did I know what I was doing, no, did I draw out a plan, only once- but it was a free form hand sketch.

My husband and I had an amazing opportunity to move out of state. This decision was met with mixed reviews within our tight knit family group. We did not end up going--it was not the right job fit for my husband. What the experience did do is help my husband and myself begin to establish a sense of ourselves--a belief in our core group-- a group of 3, that we were accomplished and one anothers biggest cheerleaders. A sense of freedom was born within the walls of our family unit.

That sense if freedom came out in this cake. I tried flavors and techniques I had never tried. It was a 3 tier cake. The bottom looked like a roulette wheel. The middle covered with card symbols and the top a harlequin throw back. There were dice on wires dancing out of the cake. The flavors were a coconut cream, classic chocolate cake and a red velvet. I had only made the chocolate cake before. There was no sense of fear--that if I could not pull through we would have no birthday cake at our party. My husband never questioned me--he stepped in yet again supporting me--looking up roulette numbers.

The cake came out amazing. Surprisingly the coconut cream was the most popular flavor and the smallest tier. People saw the cake and people asked who did the cake--my husband would say, "she did" or I would say, "I did." No one knew I could do this. I don't think I knew I could accomplish what I did that night. But it is a amazing how having a sense of freedom erases the sense of fear.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

So Now What...


So now what? I spent the first year of my daughters life figuring out how to be a mom or what I thought was the "mom ideal." We had the SUV, the bugaboo (it was a great stroller if your kid has reflux-- you can keep them at a permanent angle-- thus reducing spit up and laundry loads), we had hair bows and we had the mega first birthday. I felt like we were making progress.

I was starting to loosen up as a mom. No really I was--I was laughing now--sometimes even at myself. Work was going well. Things were on track until New Years Eve. My daughter had her accident and we end up in the Grossman Burn Center ICU for 10 days and 2 surgeries. She would eventual need one additional surgery to repair the graft that was placed on her hand. That forever changed me as a mom. She is fully recovered from her burns and so are we-- but I did not do another cake that year. "Practical" quickly came into my vocabulary. For her birthday we did cupcakes. The matrix of perfection that I was trying to live my life by and build my cakes by was starting to crumble. I have a resilient little girl to thank for that. As parents we are here to teach our children life's lessons, but in the 5 1/2 years my daughter has been on the planet I have learned so many lessons from her.

People kept asking "are you still doing parties, have you done a cake?" I would respond, "no, focusing on being a mom." I just wasn't inspired. The next cake I would do, is still to this day, one of my most favorite. The cake I came out of hiatus for was for a family member. My cousin, but I call her my Aunt. She is more than that, she has been my guardian, a mentor, a picture of grace. It was my first cake truly drawn on inspiration. She loves violets. I designed the cake without a template. It was a white cake with lemon curd and fresh raspberries with a vanilla buttercream. It was covered in white fondant with purple violets. They were randomly placed all over the cake. I still love the simple elegance of the cake.

To transport the cake I bought a cake box-- it looked very professional. I remember sitting around the table watching everyone eat the cake. Silently watching expressions. This was family after all. They will tell you like it is. But they loved it. Success.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Mom by Martha...



So i was now a mom. I gave birth in late October of 20004 to an amazing little girl. Right from the start she was incredibily resilent. She was born with a severe dairy allergy and reflux, but she did fuss or cry. It was if she knew that would be to much for me. My whole life I dreamed about being a mom and here I was a mom to an amazing little girl and I did know what to do with myself. Something was wrong so I spent the better part of four months acting like everything was great, super, I was a regular super mom. I mean when someone comes up to you and says "could you imagine your life without her" I wanted to cringe at the thought of answering that question. But it didn't matter I was doing mom by martha. All I wanted to do was go back to work so I did 10 weeks later. But deep down I knew something was off. I finally through the help of my mom and husband saw a wonderful specialist I was diagnosised with post pardum depression. I realized that being a mom did not fit into a matrix. Although schedules can be defined by rows and coluoms, love and care of booboos cannot. This was a new concept. Something that would take three and half long years to battle through.

But when it came to her first birthday I would find myself exactly where I swore I would never be-- a complete over the top birthday--60 adults, 25 kids in costume, center pieces, a photo station, kids tables, and of course a two tiered cake which my daughter couldn't eat because she had a dairy allergy. That did matter--it went with the theme-I was aiming for Martha here okay- (in case you are wondering I went to whole foods and bought her a vegan cake to smash her hands in). Everyone pitched in- my mom cut out pumpkins for center pieces they matched the fondant pumpkin patch on the bottom of the cake, my dad transported hay bails and corn stalks from 3 hours away which also appeared on the cake.

The two tiered cake was purple marbled fondant with a chocolate cake and chocolate gnache filling with a carefully crafted halloween scene. Hay stacks, pumpkin patch, witches, and a moon circled the cake. My techniques were improving, there was no template, but it was more for the show. Looking back, I can't believe I made a cake that my daughter couldn't even go near. I made a cake that went with the theme, how Martha of me.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

The Family Knows...


I have still been down playing the fact that I can do cakes and do them somewhat well. I really have no idea why still to this day. I just did it again. I do them well for no training at all. I do this because people know I am still working full time in my corporate job...an industry that I have become very accomplished in, I am now a mother of a 5 1/2 year old and I do try and cook 5 nights a week. I just had no understanding of Grace. How just being able to say "thank you," with a warm smile when someone gives you a complement is being graceful. I couldn't do that, I didn't understand how important that was.

Yes I will admit that I do get up at 5AM everyday-- this seems nuts to others, but this is my time of zen. Unfortunately for my mother my time of zen has existed since I was a baby and now for me my daughter likes to enjoy the same time zen. That is usually when I work on cakes before I go to work. The house is quiet, it doesn't impact time with my family. I love doing it, but I hadn't really let anyone in on my secret. The time was coming. My husbands family has a wonderful sense of tradition. This includes gathering for family holidays. I offered to bring the dessert. Missing my family traditions I decided to make a Yule Log. Something a attempted one year at my moms house without any fear.

My sense of perfection was still heavily ingrained in me. These were my in-laws. I was taking care of her son. I wanted to put my best foot forward. I made mergine mushrooms (made extras- goods snacks), secured real evergreen for decorations, brought cocoa powder for dusting and to top it all of made a second dessert as back up.

I thought the cake looked great--very controlled, just like Martha. Just like her picture- a perfect little Yule Log like out of a catalog. At the time she was who I sought to be like. The picture of perfection. That was before her jail sentence and before my daughter. I laugh now...I am more of a 30 minute meal kind of person and yes I have learned how to use the crock pot.

I now have requests for Yule Logs from my mother and my mother in law. I can say how truly flattered I am. The only different nearly six years later-- my daughter places the mushrooms, throws the cocoa with gusto--a much more organic look--I don't know if Martha would be proud, but I am proud. Gaining grace is a good thing.